Step Up 2 The Streets: Not to be confused with: Step It Up and Dance. Even though they both involve: Attractive young dancers competing more for Daddy’s love than for formal victory.

The Bank Job: Not to be confused with: The Italian Job. Even though they both involve: Dangerous heists and Jason Statham in tailored suit jackets.

Shutter: Not to be confused with: Shudder. Even though they both involve: Revulsion.

Meet Bill: Not to be confused with: Meet Dave. Even though they both involve: Talented but self-sabotaging actors making sure we never, ever take them off probation.

Also on DVD this week: Bra Boys, Never Forever, Penelope, and The Year My Parents Went on Vacation.

A large number of this week’s releases seem to integrally involve bus rides, so lets take a look at a few of these movies’ boarding passes.

The Tracey Fragments: Passenger name: Ellen Page. Boarding at: Hey It’s That Cute Pregnant Girl. Arriving at: OMG, What the Christ is Going On, BC.

The Ruins: Passenger names: Virile, Attractive 20-Somethings. Boarding at: Civilization. Arriving at: Evil Mexican Plants, MX-OA.

Stop-Loss: Passenger names: Ryan Phillipe and Channing Tatum. Boarding at: An Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. Stopping in: Basic Training, Iraq, Complete Emotional Disintegration. Arriving at: PTSDville, USA.

Also on DVD this week: Little Chenier, Sleepwalking, and Superhero Movie.

In honor of Independence Day, this installment of the DVD post pits the week’s releases head to head to see which is the most American.

War, Inc.: What’s more patriotic than satirizing the government?

Vantage Point: The Lone Gunman vs. Military Industrial Conspiracy debate is like the fourth most popular American pass-time, right behind baseball, mercenarism, and inventing new Dorito flavors.

Drillbit Taylor: See item three above.

My Blueberry Nights: Wang Kar Wai finally makes a movie in America. Bonus points for the presence of Natalie Portman, representing the Israel lobby.

Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns: There’s only one nation on Earth where you’ll regularly find a man in drag and a fat suit holding down the moral compass for your movie.

Also on DVD this week: City of Men, Sex and Death 101, and Sunflower.

Boolean Algebra
Fool’s Gold: Draw a Ven Diagram depicting the cross section of audiences who like Kate Hudson’s neurotic blond shtick, and encourage Matthew McConaughey to take his shirt off.

Conditional Reasoning
Caramel: If Caramel is the Beauty Shop of Beirut, then who does Queen Latifah play in the Autobus of Atlanta?

Conversions
Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins: Martin Lawrence and Mo’nique both begin reading a script at 2:30 PM. If Lawrence reads 200 words per minute and Mo’nique reads 900 lines per hour, at approximately what time will I kill myself?

Also on DVD this week: 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days, Rails & Ties, Under the Same Moon.

On a recent expedition into the long-untouched catacombs of my parents’ basement, I stumbled across this: my much-loved copy of the classic Milton Bradley talking board game Mall Madness. I dusted it off to investigate the battery corrosion on the game’s pretend plastic credit card machine, hoping to recapture precious first lessons about the concept of money — namely that all money is, apparently, limitless and discretionary. I was stopped, however, by the image of the girl on the box.

I know, your brain is probably fighting it. That’s because of Danes’ sterling reputation. She did make her debut in the public consciousness with that famous portrayal of pensive high-school sophomore Angela Chase on My So-Called Life — a show that was just “too real to last(!)” And Danes never had to worry about being lumped in with gals like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Tara Reid. Her indie film cred and general air of smartyness kept her in what viewers think of as the Jodie Foster school of young actresses — though the stint at Yale didn’t hurt.
 
In fact, for all her sparkly red carpet dresses, Danes’ enduring image is still kind of brooding — do you know how hard it was to find pictures of her smiling for this comparison shot? I’ve watched the MSCL bonus features and I’ve heard the story about how the show was her first gig ever, plucking her fresh, vernal genius from the masses, but whatever. You KNOW that girl had a binder of pre-teen modeling shots, full of ecstatic grins and Blossom hats.

Be Kind, Rewind: Jack Black and Mos Def do not climb aboard a gigantic magical flying VHS tape and surf into an episode of the Electric Company.

The Bucket List: Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman do not go on a suicidal hedonism spree, whiling away their last few cancer ridden days spending their amassed social security money on hookers and blow.

Jumper: The Aniken kid does not become despondent over peaking with Virgin Suicides in 1998, jump off of some iconic ancient structure and plummet to his death.

The Other Boleyn Girl: This is the most important one — Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman do not, I repeat, do not make out, no matter how close they came after shooting had wrapped.

Witless Protection: Dan Whitney does not take this opportunity to explore any new avenues in his long standing career as a character actor.

Also on DVD this week: Chaos Theory, Funny Games, the Grand, Out of the Blue, Protagonist, and the Signal.

Boarding Gate: It’s possible that you’ve never seen any of her movies, but just so you know, Asia Argento is extremely hot.

Flawless: On the other hand, it’s easy for Demi Moore to keep everybody thinking she’s impossibly smoking hot for her age when nobody sees her movies anymore.

Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show: You may play the clown these days, Mr. Vaughn, but you can’t run from your dashing, leading-man past. We all remember when you looked like this.

The Eye: Yes, it’s a little ironic that Jessica Alba plays a blind girl in a movie where her hotness is the only thing in it worth looking at.

Semi-Pro: Will Ferrell is the hottest man alive. But only when he’s wearing tiny basketball shorts.

Also on DVD this week: Meet the Spartans and Noise.

Rambo: Bad to Joke About — Burma, cyclone devastation, military junta. Good to Joke About — Stallone’s Botox.

Cassandra’s Dream: Bad to joke about — Murder, betrayal, Woody Allen losing his sense of humor. Good to Joke About — Scarlett Johansson’s album.

Grace is Gone: Bad to Joke About: War in Iraq, military widows/widowers. Good to Joke About — John Cusack vying for the Oscar he missed out on with Martian Child.

Darfur Now: Bad to Joke About — Crisis in Darfur, genocide in general. Good to Joke About — No dice on this one. Watch this hilarious kitten video.