The premise will be familiar to many from the everpresent trailers on television: Ashton Kutcher stars as Jack Fuller, a less-than-polished single Manhattanite whose most favored pastimes consist of kinky sex games with his girlfriend, such as “I’ll play the big, strong fireman, and you play the desperate mother with the baby in the burning building.” As the film opens, Jack is deservedly and unceremoniously fired from the furniture business by his well-grounded father (Treat Williams). Cameron Diaz co-stars as Joy McNally, a (less-grating) single Manhattanite publicly embarrassed when her yuppie fiancé (30 Rock’s Jason Sudeikis) dumps her seconds before she springs a surprise birthday party on him. Each down-and-outer decides to cut his/her losses by high-tailing it to Vegas, where they bump into each other by chance, and take a drunken, headfirst plunge into a long night on the town together. When Joy comes to, the next morning, she sports a ring on her finger – and is horrified to glimpse a sign from Jack referring to her as “wifey.” The twist (if one can call it that) occurs when Fuller accidentally hits a $3 million jackpot - and the bickering couple, in an attempt to claim the full share of the money, falls prey to a conservative judge (Dennis Miller) who refuses to grant a divorce and forces the pair to “try out” married life in order to give it an honest chance, freezing all of the monetary assets in the interim.

Mirthless, obnoxious and insufferable, this film may well be immune to any sort of normal criticism – so immune that any review threatens to turn into a laundry list of excoriations. First of all, the film operates on an obscenely loud level. The first third of Dana Fox’s awful script features scene, after scene, after scene, of characters screaming their lungs out at one another, sprinting around manically, throwing objects at walls and engaging in truly painful, unfunny comic violence – from repeated slugs in the crotch, to sprays of breath freshener in the eye, to the destruction of anything and everything on the screen. A tenth of this would have been fine – instead, we are bombarded with a maelstrom of sound and fury that raises the proverbial “idiot’s tale” to a whole new plane. Tonally, both characters repulse from the word go – but particularly the scuzzball Jack, with his sleazy sex games and his irresponsibility at work; Fox and Vaughan not only fail to give us an adequate reason to truly care about either partner – they venture to the other extreme. (Perhaps the best that one can say about this couple – an effect presumably unintended by Fox or Vaughan – is this: each partner reaches a level of such obnoxiousness that, in the final analysis, they deserve each other in the worst way). On a comedic level, the film never once scores a bulls-eye or earns a genuine laugh – its so-called ‘comedic high points’ reek of desperation. Consider, for example, Fox’s decision to name Diaz’s boss (Dennis Farina) “Dick Banger” (a line repeated on several occasions to wring the most blood out of it) or to name Miller’s judge “The Honorable R.D. Whopper.” Even more troublingly, Fox’s humor rests almost exclusively on watching characters physically and psychologically attempt to wield damage against one another – not simply the leads, but everyone onscreen.

In more sensitive hands, this could ostensibly work (consider Elaine May’s original Heartbreak Kid, for example) but here, we sense no soft edge, no warm center underneath that imparts the characters with even the least iota of compassion or empathy.

Obscene humor is difficult to pull off smoothly and deftly; Mel Brooks has a knack for it, and so did the early Working Title films, such as The Tall Guy and Four Weddings & A Funeral. Even Wedding Crashers hit the mark to some degree. Not so for this ugly romp, which bombards the audience with stale and hideous double-entendres that make it feel cheap, tacky and vulgar.

On a logical level as well, the film’s basic setup proves almost impossible to swallow – Fox hands the audience one implausible twist after another, purely designed to drive the central narrative mechanism forward – from the unlikely “computer mix-up” at the hotel that throws strangers Fuller and McNally into adjoining rooms, to the “convenient” win at the slots that turns Jack into an instantaneous millionaire, to Judge Whopper’s absurd ultimatums regarding a trial marriage.

Watching What Happens in Vegas is pure misery. How miserable, exactly? One knows that one is in trouble when, halfway through the film, one begins reminiscing about screenings of Peter Chelsom’s Town & Country, and then hoping that Dane Cook turns up to drive Kutcher out of the picture.

That must certainly represent a new low.

May 2
Made of Honor: Stale Wedding Cake.
Zagat says: Wasn’t that good when it was fresh.

May 9
Speed Racer: Pop Rocks and Redbull.
Zagat says: Worth the risk of your stomach exploding.

What Happens in Vegas: Crappy, overpriced room-service.
Zagat says: You know what it’s going to be like, so you’d better be starving.

May 16
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian: Renn Fair Turkey Leg.
Zagat says: As long as you’re wearing the cape, you might as well eat it.

May 23
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Grandma’s Mac and Cheese.
Zagat says: Might not be as good as you remember, but what you remember was really, really good.

Postal: Creamed Tuna.
Zagat says: Sometimes something is so bad it’s good.

May 30
Sex and the City: Manhattan-Priced Cosmopolitan.
Zagat says: Your waiter let this drink sit for a really long time before he brought it to you.

The Strangers: Apple with a Razor Blade Inside.
Zagat says: The best Halloween candy is the stuff you’re afraid to eat.

June 6
Kung Fu Panda: Sour Patch Kids.
Zagat says: Might be too sweet if not for the tangy, Jack Black coating.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan: Cool Ranch Matzoh.
Zagat says: Who knew Zionist Judaism could be so hip and cool.

June 13
The Happening: The Last Bit-O-Honey Before All the Bees Go Extinct.
Zagat says: They’re always disappointing, but this might be your last chance to pick that sticky concrete out of your teeth.

June 20
Get Smart: A Twinkie.
Zagat says: Could have been packaged yesterday or 40 years ago, the only way to tell is to eat it.

The Love Guru: Fermented Curry.
Zagat says: This recipe does not have a very long shelf life.

June 27
WALL-E: Wonka Bar with the Golden Ticket Inside.
Zagat says: The secret ingredient is love.

Wanted: Sparks.
Zagat says: Ah, to be hyper and drunk at the same time.

July 2
Hancock: Greasy Pork Chop Sandwich Served in a Dirty Ashtray.
Zagat says: Dust it off and try it if you want, but don’t come crying to us when your house burns down.

July 11
Hellboy II: The Golden Army: Code Red Mountain Dew.
Zagat says: Big, red, and highly caffeinated.

Meet Dave: Freeze Dried Ice Cream.
Zagat says: Sounds like a bad idea and, guess what, it is.

July 18
The Dark Knight: The Last Heath Bar. Ever.
Zagat says: Hopefully the deliciousness will distract us from the tragedy.

Mamma Mia!: A smorgasbord full of pasta.
Zagat says: Nobody does Italian like the Swedes.

Space Chimps: Chocolate Banana.
Zagat says: Because chimps like bananas. Get it?

July 25
Step Brothers: Jungle Juice.
Zagat says: The lack of prep makes it easy, but can also make it rank — and there’s always the risk somebody peed in it.

X-Files: I Want to Believe: Mystery Flavor Dum Dum at the Bottom of a Bank Teller’s Jar.
Zagat says: Could be well past the expiration date, but mystery goes a long way.

The Longshots: Haterade.
Zagat says: It’s got what plants crave.

American Teen: Ally Sheedy’s Cap’n Crunch and Pixi Stix Sandwich from the Breakfast Club.
Zagat says: Angst never tasted so carb-licious. Except here.

1. Young Man with Ideas (Mitchell Leisen, USA, 1952) This well-wrought, low-key comedy-drama, directed by Hollywood mainstay (and onetime Preston Sturges collaborator) Leisen, stars Glenn Ford as a naïve and slightly idealistic Montana attorney who decides to start over in life by moving with his wife and children to Southern California, where he will study for the state bar. Unfortunately, he’s beset by all manner of complications and gets in way over his head with an illegal bookie ring. An immensely enjoyable postwar fable that has gone almost completely overlooked. Airs on Turner Classic Movies, 5/1 at 9:30am.

2. Age of Consent (Michael Powell, Australia, 1969) – Nathan’s #1 Pick of the Month. Contrary to what one may have heard, the release of Peeping Tom didn’t quite end celebrated Briton Powell’s directorial career, though it did damn him in the eyes of the public and the British Film Industry when it bowed in the spring of 1960, and caused quite a local scandal. Powell made four additional feature films (and one short-subject narrative) in the years that followed, including Age of Consent. This erotic drama with a droll subplot and overtones weaves the tale of a painter (James Mason), who attempts to reignite his creative flame by leaving New York and moving to an island on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef. In that locale, he promptly strikes up a relationship with a svelte young woman (Helen Mirren) and asks her to pose nude for him; he also runs headfirst into a bevy of eccentric and offbeat locals who provide much needed comic relief. Scriptwriter Peter Yeldham adapted a novel by “bohemian” artist Norman Lindsay, an outré Aussie figure on whose life the story is loosely based – and who, in turn, inspired John Duigan’s whimsical sex comedy Sirens in 1994. Though hugely entertaining, Age of Consent was all but buried by the annals of time. Airs on Turner Classic Movies, May 5th at 2:15am.

3. Eve and the Fire Horse (Julia Kwan, Canada, 2005) – Kwan’s gentle coming-of-age seriocomedy examines with great tenderness and restraint the spiritual changes wrought on a Buddhist household, when its two daughters, Karena (Hollie Lo) and Eve (Phoebe Jojo Kut), undergo a series of potentially debilitating family tragedies. As a coping mechanism, the girls instinctively turn to religion, opting for two very different approaches and interpretations. The older of the two, Karena, chooses straightforward, traditional Catholicism, while the younger and more imaginative, Eve, manages to cope by blending elements of Catholicism and Buddhism into a belief system utterly her own. This sweet-natured slice-of-lifer won a Special Jury Prize at the 2006 Sundance Film Festival and deservedly received a plethora of Genie nominations. Airs on The Sundance Channel, 5/1 at 3:15pm and 5/6 at 3:45pm.

4. Summer of the Serpent (Kimi Takesue, USA, 2004) Japanese-American director Takesue’s 27-minute court-metrage represents one of the finest evocations of childhood outside of Dorota Kedzierzawska’s Crows and Victor Erice’s Spirit of the Beehive. The tale concerns an eight-year-old girl named Juliette who forges a most unlikely rapport with a Japanese visitor during a day at the pool, and subsequently hearkens off on an imaginative journey. Screens on The Sundance Channel, 5/3 at 11:30am, 5/6 at 11:30am, 5/9 at 11:30pm, 5/18 at 1:30pm and 5/29 at 6:30pm.

5. 37 Uses for a Dead Sheep (Ben Hopkins, Turkey/UK, 2006) Documentarist Hopkins created this visually and stylistically inventive look at the Pamir Kirghiz, a nomadic tribe rejected from nearly every Asian country given their staunch opposition to Communism. The group received two options for citizenship – one in Eastern Turkey and one in Alaska – and decided to go the Turkish route. In the film, Hopkins and Pamir Kirghiz artist Ekber Kutlu plunge into the heart of the tribe for a warm, finely-observed and frequently humorous ethnological/sociological portrait of its members; the director intercuts direct cinema footage of the group’s day to day and dramatically constructed sequences that play out events from Kirghiz history, shot in a myriad of styles. Screens on The Sundance Channel, 5/5 at 5:30am and again at 5:30pm.

6. Kill Gil, Vol. I (Gil Rossellini, Italy/Switzerland, 2005) – In a biographical saga which, on more than one level, recalls the plight of onetime Elle magazine editor Jean-Dominique Bauby (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly), Gil Rossellini suffered from an instantaneous physical trauma in late 2004 that scarred his world forever. As the son of Roberto Rossellini and brother of Isabella Rossellini, Gil carried show business in his blood and was in the midst of embarking on an immensely successful production career, when everything changed overnight. Upon checking into a Stockholm hotel for a festival screening, Rossellini suddenly fell into a three-week coma, the victim of a freak bacterial infection. Three weeks later, he awoke in a hospital – paralyzed, with enormous, gaping wounds covering his body. Never one to be daunted, Rossellini determined to work his way back to partially-functional, paraplegic health, and decided to capture his own remarkable rebound on a hand-held video camera, in “diary” form. As created by Rossellini and associates the resultant film serves as an unbridled tribute to the power of human courage and resilience. Screens on the Sundance Channel, 5/28 at 5am.

7. Andrew Jenks, Room 335 (Andrew Jenks, USA, 2006) – Nathan’s #2 Pick of the Month. Here’s my prediction: a decade or two from now, documentarist Andrew Jenks will have gone down as one of the legends in his field, on par with Errol Morris and D.A. Pennebaker. In the summer of 2005, the 19-year-old Jenks opted to spend a month and a half in a Florida assisted-living facility, while two college friends filmed the experience; over the following weeks, Jenks spent his days with a number of senior citizens and witnessed, firsthand, life on the “other end of the age spectrum.” Not only did Jenks create an intimate portrait of the difficulties that afflict those Americans in their golden years (such as Alzheimer’s, physically debilitating illness, and impending death) but he developed an almost instinctive level of emotional commitment to those around him that made it impossible for him to stay detached – we witness him breaking down and sobbing upon leaving his newfound friends behind. Among other accomplishments, the film creates a series of small, winning character studies of Floridian nursing home residents and fully underscores the idea that some of the most special and meaningful friendships are cross-generational ones. HBO and Cinemax picked up the broadcast rights to this documentary; it still hasn’t officially received commercial distribution (hence the inclusion on this list), though Jenks is now selling copies of the title on his website. Room 335 is a small masterpiece that somehow slipped-by mainstream labels and announces the arrival of a major new talent in the arena of documentary. Don’t miss this one! Screens on Cinemax, 5/5 at 9:30am on MAX East, 5/9 at 8am on More MAX East, 5/9 at 11am on More MAX West, and 5/24 at 4:05am on MAX East.

8. Belle Starr (Irving Cummings, USA, 1941) – Alluring Gene Tierney (The Ghost and Mrs. Muir) landed one of her most intriguing and offbeat roles as the 19th century title character – the well-to-do daughter of a southern aristocrat who sheds her glossies, marries a Confederate guerilla fighter, and hits the Old West as an outlaw. Screens on The Fox Movie Channel, 5/1 at 6am.

9. You Can’t Have Everything (Norman Taurog, USA, 1937) Here’s the bottom line: forget the skimpy plot. This Darryl Zanuck-produced opus provides the opportunity (one of several) to witness one of the most popular musical pairings of the late ’30s, Don Ameche and Alice Faye, in action; it also boasts some of the most hilarious scenes ever filmed with a brilliant but now-forgotten comedy troupe, The Ritz Brothers, who earned frequent comparisons with the Marxes but distinguished themselves via a shtick that involved acting identically and in unison. Gypsy Rose Lee also contributes a fine supporting role. Screens on The Fox Movie Channel, 5/23 at 6am.

10. Man Hunt (Fritz Lang, USA, 1941) – German import Lang turned out one of his finest American thrillers with this exciting tale of a physically imposing marksman (Walter Pidgeon) who just misses an attempt to assassinate Hitler during a European big game hunting expedition and finds himself relentlessly pursued by the Nazis – through forests and swamps, across various national borders, and eventually, back to England, where Gestapo militia prowl the streets, combing the town for him – and where he falls for a comely prostitute (Joan Bennett). Screens on The Fox Movie Channel, May 15th at 6am.

HELD OVER
The following titles, which appeared in this feature in prior months, are still screening throughout May, and highly recommended. (All, by sheer coincidence, are appearing on the same network).

Luna – Fox Movie Channel, 5/19 at 12:30am
Shock Treatment – Fox Movie Channel, 5/24 at 12pm
Kid Blue – Fox Movie Channel, 5/6 at 2pm
Down to the Sea in Ships – Fox Movie Channel, 5/29 at 11am

10. The Color of Money — “Werewolves of London”, performed by Warren Zevon

No matter how long Tom Cruise’s career lasts, there will be many who remember him best dancing in his underwear to Bob Seger in Risky Business. I’ll forever think of him at his most extrovertedly narcissistic as he preens/shoots nine-ball to Warren Zevon’s brilliant song. Cruise’s hair has never been more perfect.

9. Casino — “Satisfaction”, performed by Devo

Casino’s two-act structure works because almost every scene during the first half of the film, when Ace and the mob are living the high-life in Vegas, is answered in the second half when it all falls apart. During his second half, Scorsese employs Devo’s angular remake of the classic Rolling Stones song. Never before has the band’s artistic stance of de-evolution been used to such poetic ends.

8. The Last Waltz — “Old Time Religion”, performed by 3/5 of the Band

Halfway through Scorsese’s masterful concert film/band biography there is a moment where Rick Danko, Robbie Robertson, and Richard Manuel perform this traditional tune in a candid moment, with the camera and each other as the only audience. The “story” of the film traces how the members of the group can no longer continue the “damned impossible way of life” of a touring musician, but this intimate performance shows how much they still love not just their music but all music. Many consider it a throwaway moment, but I’ve always felt it was the heart of the film.

7. Goodfellas — “And Then He Kissed Me”, performed by the Crystals

Everybody remembers the tracking shot, the decent into the bowels of the Copacabana as Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) impressesKaren (Lorraine Bracco) on their real first date. Scorsese’s technical mastery is accentuated by the breathless joy of the song that plays underneath it. The image suggests the duo are descending into hell together, but the music reminds us that at that moment they both feel young and immortal.

6. Who’s That Knocking at My Door — “Jenny Take a Ride”, performed by Mitch Ryder

The opening credit sequence for Scorsese’s first feature consists of a street fight between two gangs. The fight does not begin until one of the combatants kisses his crucifix necklace. The sloppy, realistic violence is scored to Mitch Ryder’s rollicking rave-up. Although the sequence owes an obvious debt to Kenneth Anger, particularly Scorpio Rising, the themes and stylistic signatures are still associated with Scorsese.

5. Raging Bull — Cavalleria Rusticana: Intermezzo

The most beautiful credit sequence in all of Scorsese’s work, and one of the most striking in the history of film, the slow motion footage of Jake La Motta (Robert De Niro) alone in the ring dancing and punching at nobody, summarizes the film with startling clarity. Here is a brutal man shot with breathtaking beauty, a beauty that the mournful score augments. In two minutes, this sequence sums up the artistic goal of the entire film.

4. Goodfellas — “Sunshine of Your Love”, by Cream

Rarely does Scorsese use a song ironically, but this is one of those times. As the camera slowly pushes in on Jimmy (Robert De Niro), the foreboding opening of Cream’s rock classic signifies his decision to whack everybody who has helped him pull of the Lufthansa heist. A voiceover in the next scene gives the audience proof, but anyone attuned to Scorsese will know it just from the music. In this perfect shot, there is no sunshine and there is no love.

3. Mean Streets — “Be My Baby”, performed by the Ronettes

The film opens with Charlie (Harvey Keitel) awoken from sleep by the dread of guilt. He gets up and faces himself in the mirror. When he returns to bed, as his head hits the pillow, Scorsese cuts in closer to him three times, ending on extreme close-up of his face — all to the opening drumbeats of the Phil Spector-produced girl-group classic. As if this weren’t personal enough for Scorsese, the song continues as he cuts to the image of a projector being turned on.

2. Life Lessons from New York Stories — “A Whiter Shade of Pale”, by Procol Harum

The song provides an emotional surge throughout the 45- minute masterpiece Scorsese contributed to New York Stories, but the marriage of image to music reaches its emotional zenith when artist Lionel (a never better Nick Nolte) picks up his assistant/muse Paulette (Rosanna Arquette) at the airport. The camera gives us Lionel’s view of the people coming off the plane when suddenly the screen goes black. As the line “and her face at first just ghostly” can be heard, Scorsese opens an iris on Paulette moving in slow motion through the airport. We see her exactly as Lionel does, as an object of obsession, not as a real person. The use of the song again in the final shot — as he is picking up another young girl he will use and discard — brings the point home, making the use of it in the airport all the more haunting with subsequent viewings.

1. Mean Streets — “Jumpin’ Jack Flash”, by the Rolling Stones

Scorsese introduces the character of Johnny Boy (Robert De Niro) in Mean Streets by having him blow up a mailbox, but the first time we get to see him for any length of time is when he enters the group’s favorite bar and Charlie (Harvey Keitel sees him. Charlie believes that saving Johnny Boy will allow him to atone for his sins, but as Johnny Boy walks through the bar — in slow-motion, bathed in red light, playing up the fact that two beautiful girls are on his arm — the audience understands how futile Charlie’s efforts will be. This sequence has it all: rock music, Catholic guilt, De Niro, slow-motion, lots of red, and Keitel — and that’s why it tops my list of the ten best musical moments in all of Martin Scorsese’s work.
 
 
 
 
 

1. Luna (1979) (Nathan’s #1 Pick of the Month). Bernardo Bertolucci’s deeply eccentric and disturbing drama – the tale of a widowed American opera diva and her son who relocate to Italy and lapse into sordid incest, while the son falls into the pit of heroin addiction – represents a most unusual attempt to place the extremist classical tragedy of opera in a contemporary context. I last saw it about six years ago, and while I’ll be the first to admit that something about it doesn’t quite work, neither can I shake any of the images or the lead performance by Jill Clayburgh from my mind. Several aspects of this film render it extremely compelling and haunting, from the lunar imagery of the opening credit sequence and the epilogue, to the operatic lyricism of the overall narrative and the scenes in which the lead character and her son push the edge of the envelope into dangerous psychosexual territory. It is most entertaining after reading Dr. Claretta Tonetti’s wonderful analytic tome on Bertolucci, in which she devotes a chapter to this movie. Screens on The Fox Movie Channel, 4/4 at 3:30am.

2. Actuality: The Life and Art of Allan King (2006). (Nathan’s #2 Pick of the Month). Visionary Allan King is one of the two or three most brilliant “unknown” filmmakers around; ask any American about him, and those who claim to recognize the moniker will invariably mix him up with the comic Alan King, of Inside the Comedy Mind fame. A clarification may be necessary here: this King is in fact a Canadian filmmaker who redefines the word “fearless.” He made his mark in the ’60s with two efforts: the shockingly raw juvenile delinquency documentary Warrendale, and A Married Couple – that notorious cinema direct free-fall into the familial dysfunction of a Canadian family, Antoinette, Billy, and Bogart Edwards, in which we’re helplessly exposed to the terror of a marriage bursting at the seams. (If one wants to see the granddaddy of all contemporary “reality” television, and even the point of inspiration for its predecessor, An American Family, this is it – and it makes anything on current television – yes, even Breaking Bonaduce - look like baby food by comparison). King went on to chalk up a resume of equally daring, provocative and compelling films even through recent years (and, at 78 years old, he’s still active). This documentary provides a nearly perfect point-of-entry to his entire body of work. Screens on the Sundance Channel: 4/7 at 5:30pm, 4/12 at 10am, 4/17 at 5am.

3. Down to the Sea in Ships (1949) – The most unusual aspect of this seemingly straightforward maritime drama (about a young tyke and his grandfather who hit the waves together in a New Bedford whaling vessel) is the years-ahead-of-its time Freudian psychodrama that takes up the better part of two hours. It may defy audience expectation throughout, and falter at times, but it never ceases to intrigue. It sports three stellar lead performances by Lionel Barrymore (doing a variation on his nasty Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life), a twelve year old Dean Stockwell, and the late Richard Widmark, whom we recently lost. Director Henry Hathaway also tosses in a handful of terribly exciting adventure sequences. Screens on The Fox Movie Channel, 4/4 at 11:30am.

4. Dragonwyck (1948) – You’ll recognize, in this period chiller, one of the antecedents of decades of wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing psychological thrillers, from the sublime to the horrendously exploitative. Rarely was it done with as much grace, or as deft of a hand, as it is here. And who better to pull it off than Mr. Poe himself, Vincent Price? He stars as Nicholas Van Ryn, a feudal Dutch landowner in the 1840s who collects dues from local residents, and detests and resents his wife for her inability to give him an heir; his only offspring is one daughter, which does him little good. Along comes lovely, fetching Miranda Wells (Gene Tierney), hired as an au pair to care for Nicholas’s daughter. Sensing his opportunity, Nicholas promptly decides to off the missus, and court and marry Miranda – thereby giving himself a new carrier for a male heir. Of course the heroine’s safety falls into the clutches of this monomaniacal bastard, and of course she has absolutely no idea. Screens on The Fox Movie Channel, 4/3 at 8am and 4/25 at 9:30am.

5. Heartsounds (1984) – Glenn Jordan helmed one of the finest telemovies of the last thirty years with this delicately-handled yet emotionally charged docudrama about the difficult experiences of Martha Weinman Lear, when her husband, Harold, suffers an ongoing series of heart attacks. As the leads, Mary Tyler Moore and James Garner are nothing short of perfection. Working with Jordan, from a script by Fay Kanin (adapted from Weinman’s bestselling memoir) the two actors bring to fruition a series of moments dazzlingly poignant and authentic; seldom has a film struck so many real and deeply resonant chords, mirroring the tensions and emotional contradictions of real life experience. Screens on the Encore Love Stories Channel, 4/1 at 5:45am, 4/5 at 9:10am, 4/15 at 9:30am, 4/25 at 7:15am.

6. Kid Blue (1973) – Dennis Hopper stars in this comic western that veers wildly into the offbeat; he plays the title character, an inept turn-of-the-century train robber making a series of unsuccessful attempts to go straight in the tiny Texan village of Dime Box. Most critics who initially dismissed this film completely overlooked its satirical elements – among other things, it subtly and knowingly satirizes the conventions of the western genre and skewers the old west per se while excoriating work in an anti-establishment vein. The script was co-authored by none other than Crazy Like a Fox star John Rubinstein; he, co-scenarist Edwin “Bud” Shrake and director James Frawley add lots of nice little touches, such as a hilarious role for Peter Boyle (who plays a phony minister, Preacher Bob) and a subplot involving a bizarre flying contraption. Screens on The Fox Movie Channel, 4/25 at 2:30am.

7. Thanks a Million (1935)–As produced by Darryl F. Zanuck at 20th Century Fox, this clever little political satire-cum-musical comedy has Dick Powell persuaded by his conniving manager (Fred Allen) to run for governor of Pennsylvania. He becomes immediately disillusioned by the corruption surrounding him, and speaks out against it – which of course makes him even more popular with the public. The humor here is consistently on target, the satire deft and knowing, and the soundtrack a sheer delight – it includes such numbers as “Happy Days Are Here Again” (a song original to this film), “I’ve Got a Pocketful of Sunshine,” “Sugar Plum,” and the title tune. Screens on The Fox Movie Channel, 4/10 at 7:30am.

8. The File on Thelma Jordon (1949) – The legendary Robert Siodmak (The Killers) helmed this tough and bitter film noir outing, in which a district attorney (Wendell Corey) becomes unwisely involved with the title character (Barbara Stanwyck), a shady femme fatale on trial for murder. The picture offers innumerable satisfying twists and turns, a complex and semi-empathetic lead character in Jordon (an element unusual for a noir), and – on a tonal level – intriguing erotic threads that run throughout. George Barnes’s stunning black and white cinematography also provides a strong asset. Screens on Turner Classic Movies, 4/13 at 10am.

9. The Maltese Bippy (1969) – I’ve consciously avoided including potboilers and misfires on this monthly list, but (like Bogdanovich’s At Long Last Love, which also crops up on cable from time to time), this is one of those titles that everyone seems to reference amid discussions of awful yet “unseen” disasters. A theatrically-released spinoff of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In that unceremoniously bombed at the box office, its nearly incoherent premise has Dan Rowan and Dick Martin playing two directors of cheesecake films who end up kvetching around inside of an old house, where one develops a delusion that he’s turning into a werewolf. Working together with journeyman director Norman Panama (Not With My Wife, You Don’t!), the two never manage to stir up a single laugh, but they do plunge headfirst into garish kitsch, and enlist the support of a truly bizarre vintage cast that includes Robert Reed, Julie Newmar and Fritz Weaver. This one has to be seen to be believed; a concept movie in which the concept doesn’t work, it belongs in the category of such late ’60s/early ’70s bombs as Skidoo and The Phynx. (And it is rated G!) Screens on Turner Classic Movies, 4/21 at 6:15am.

10. Get the Picture (short) – The extraordinary Brian Cox headlines this short drama that excoriates photojournalistic opportunism. Screens on The Sundance Channel, 4/15 at 6:45am.

1. Woody Allen: The man has written plays, short stories, and more jokes than possibly any other living human, but he’s never tackled a novel. Maybe such an undertaking would reinvigorate the dean of New York filmmakers.

2. Quentin Tarantino: That he thought Jackie Brown was a let down proves that Tarantino has decided to let his skills as a supremely gifted dialogue writer take a back seat to his imposing directorial skills. While there has not been a frame of his last two films I’d want to alter, maybe some devotion to the written word as an end rather than a means might focus his skills on characters instead of bravura setpieces.

3. Cameron Crowe: Fast Times at Ridgemont High is unjustly out of print, and Conversations with Wilder is one of the most loving pieces of idol worship in the annals of film writing, but Crowe’s films have hit a dead end and a novel might be the best way to right himself. Anyone reading over Crowe’s old Rolling Stone pieces, or even perusing the scripts for Say Anything or Singles, can see he is gifted at capturing people and places, and has empathy to burn. These are powerful tools for a novelist.

4. Richard Linklater: As with Crowe, Linklater has seemingly limitless empathy for his characters, and his screenplays show a keen ear for real conversation. His inquiring intellect indicates a reporter’s desire to understand whatever subject he approaches. All of this seems to show that he might be capable of a book as profoundly touching as his best movies.

5. David O. Russell: Since the infamous leaked footage from the set of I Heart Huckabees, and the stories of pointed off-screen tension between Russell and Three Kings star George Clooney (covered extensively in Sharon Waxman’s Rebels on the Backlot) make it sound as if Russell occasionally has a difficult time diplomatically expressing his point of view to collaborators, perhaps working alone would allow him to use his potent comedic chops and whip up something with as much intelligence, satirical bite, and heart as the best moments in his films.

At a time when the zombie trend once again seems to have run its course (Day of the Dead remake, anyone?), perhaps this melancholy little short is a fitting epitaph for the lurching sub-genre.

& Teller

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For this editor, Bob Newhart will ere retain his footing as a national icon (his genial, bone-dry cynicism and one-sided telephone shtick make him infinitely more charming and engaging than, say, George Burns or the insufferable, shameless Bob Hope). You’ll never hear a negative word out of me about Newhart himself – not after listening repeatedly to his brilliant recording The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart, award winner for Best Album at the 1961 Grammys, and watching beloved episodes of the first Bob Newhart Show. But the comic’s sophomore series, in its debut season (October 1982 – April 1983), feels in retrospect fairly pedestrian, and at times downright somnambulistic – a fossil from the Stone Age. Avid television viewers will invariably remember this as the season that introduced us to the Stratford Inn, innkeepers Dick and Joanna Loudon (Newhart and the late Mary Frann), Minuteman Café proprietor Kirk Devane (Steven Kampmann), co-ed maid Leslie Vanderkellen (Jennifer Holmes) and dimwitted albeit loveable handyman George Utley (Poston).

As The Office, 30 Rock and animated sitcoms such as The Family Guy have since proven, American audiences are indeed intelligent enough to latch onto humor sans the advantage of live or canned laughter. One cannot blame Newhart for failing to break the mold (the absence of a laugh track wouldn’t have flown back in 1982); even so, the studio audience reactions here feel overmodulated and a little jarring. But more striking is the degree to which this sitcom clings aggressively to ancient formula humor. Consider, if you will, the wide array of options presented us: 1) Character A delivers a sincere, heartfelt line; Character B undercuts it with a wise-ass remark. 2) Character A delivers a sincere, heartfelt line and then undercuts it himself or herself with a wise-ass remark. 3) Character A delivers a sincere, heartfelt line; Character B undercuts it with a wise-ass facial expression (an option used ad infinitum for Newhart himself). Equally striking is the way in which the series breaks most consistent narrative threads from episode to episode. For example: in one episode, travel-writer Dick speaks at length of beginning authorship on a book entitled Captivating Kansas; two episodes later, he’s already finished researching and writing that tome and is neck-deep in the middle of The Many Moods of Minnesota. In one episode, George Utley runs into his “old flame” (Rue McClanahan, fresh from Maude stardom) and she’s never heard from or spoken of again.

A program like The Office is refreshing for eking out the opposite strategy in every area: it sustains, develops, and hones its narrative threads, even generating a little bit of suspense (will Jim and Pam ever become a couple?) to anchor the drama – so that watching the episodes a-chronologically threatens to ruin the effect of character and narrative development. With a program such as Newhart (or, for that matter, Three’s Company, The Facts of Life, or any other early-1980s sitcom), one could drift in and out at any random point without missing a beat. Such was the convention of the time: cook up a one-sentence plot, weave a series of one liners around it, then resolve everything and start from scratch with the next episode. Every episode is self-contained. Looking at these old episodes, I could never quite get used to that. I also missed the tendency of recent sitcoms (such as The Office) to interweave subtle, deadpan humor and comic bits pulled from way out of left field, each of which (as one of my AMG colleagues has observed) is used not simply to set up and deliver a gag but to give us some glistening level of revelatory insight into a character – so that we believe we’re being led into an actual world with three-dimensional characters in lieu of miked cardboard cutouts used to deliver ancient one-liners.

Above all else, though, I felt incredulous – watching Newhart – about how fundamentally unlikeable one of the main characters is. As Kirk, a pathological liar with more than a passing yen for Holmes’s adorable Leslie, Kampmann aggressively grates on one’s nerves. Obviously series creator Barry Kemp wanted to trade off of the kind of quirky psychopathology that made Bob’s patients on The Bob Newhart Show (Elliot Carlin, et, al.) so popular. But Devane really takes the cake; he quickly grows so pushy and so obnoxious, with his tactless and unrequited romantic come-ons, that I kept hoping for Leslie (or one of the other characters) to punch him in the mouth. It says a great deal that in recent years, sitcoms can produce characters with behavior as rude and appalling as George Costanza, Elaine Benes, and Dwight ‘Beet Farm’ Schrute (each of whom really knocks Kirk out of the water with sheer insensitivity) and still make us, on some level, look forward to seeing them; exactly how they pull it off is another matter.

It is a sad comment indeed when the content of a program can never quite top its gorgeous and lyrical opening credits. Still, even watching it 25 years later, Newhart has its share of peerless moments. It arguably scores highest in its rare beats without laughter, when it gives its characters ample time and opportunity to show love and compassion to one another (consider, for example, the touching moment when Dick assists Leslie with a kind of paternal reassurance after a ski accident that he inadvertently caused). The series feels equally memorable on the occasions when Kemp and his scenarists really cut loose and up the irreverence quotient ten fold, traveling way out into hyperspace with supporting characters and situations so offbeat and outrageous that they consistently defy all expectations; it goes without saying that Larry, Darryl, and Darryl did much to redeem the series as a 2/3 silent, grungeball update of the Three Stooges (they appeared as early as episode two, “Mrs. Newton’s Body Lies a Mould’ring in the Grave“); a Season One subplot that finds the boys temporarily taking over The Minuteman Café (in which William Sanderson’s Larry offers to serve up a weasel that Darryl “clubbed on the way over”) earns a bigger laugh from that one line than almost anything else in the season. (Yes, it probably helped that I was watching it at 3am, and yes, I felt vindicated at the conclusion of the episode, when the weasel in the bag is eventually handed to an unwitting Kirk). One could make the argument, of course, that the most offbeat and eccentric characters of more recent sitcoms – such as Cosmo Kramer, for example, or Creed Bratton – owe much to Newhart for this reason, but bear in mind the inclusion of the sitcom “local eccentric” is a tradition as old as the format itself - one that pre-dates Larry, Darryl, and Darryl and Taxi’s Reverend Jim Ignatowski by several decades, and can even be traced back to Ed Norton of The Honeymooners.

In successive seasons, the program would travel further down the road of the offbeat, with unusual outings such as the wonderful “fantasy” episode in which Larry dreams that he’s subbing for Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show and George takes flight after eating a stack of hotcakes. But in Season One, this sitcom opted to play it safe and stick to the rules, which made it, at best, only fitfully funny and successful. In the final analysis, Newhart may still be watchable, but its season one incarnation hasn’t aged well. It lacked the courage to really push it over the edge from mildly affable to downright brilliant. Maybe that’s where Peter Scolari came in?

1. Big-Hearted Herbert (1934) – Guy Kibbee headlines this long-forgotten farce as the title character, a working-class plumber who scores his big break when he moves into manufacturing bathroom fixtures – and finds himself wealthy for the first time. He comes to prefer the welcome company of a bunch of slightly arrogant misers who feel and behave exactly as he does, only to have his priorities dramatically challenged when his wife needs surgery. At a breezy 60 minutes, this winsome slice-of-life comedy is packed with a surprising number of real laughs. Runs on Turner Classic Movies, Thursday 3/6/08 at 7:15am

2. The Great Sinner (1949) – Loosely adapted from Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s The Gambler, this unusual and offbeat drama from legendary director Robert Siodmak (The Killers) stars Gregory Peck – then in the throes of early celebrity thanks to Spellbound and Twelve O’Clock High – as Fedja, a Russian man who falls in love with the alluring Pauline Ostrovsky (Ava Gardner) only to learn that she and her father (Walter Huston) have become enslaved by debt to the wicked gambling lord Armand de Glasse (Melvyn Douglas). Appalled by this situation, Fedja determines to gamble on their behalf at one of de Glasse’s “gaming tables,” thus pulling them out of debt and redeeming their honor. But little can he foresee the complications that will arise. Runs on Turner Classic Movies, Friday 3/7 at 10:45 am.

3. The Beast of the City (1932) Walter Huston stars in this pre-code police detective drama with a surprising onslaught of gritty violence for 1932. He plays Captain Jim Fitzpatrick, a sort of forerunner of Dirty Harry Callahan and Frank Serpico who turns against the inherent corruption of the police department and the violent gangs who are tearing the city asunder – determined to wipe the streets of wrongdoing. Studio mogul Louis B. Mayer reportedly grew so distraught over the rawness on display here (and so concerned that it would ruin his reputation as a purveyor of “family” entertainment) that he insisted on burying the film as the second feature on double bills. Runs on Turner Classic Movies, Friday 3/14 at 7am.

4. Charlie Bubbles (1968) – Nathan’s Pick #1 of Month. Albert Finney’s unusual directorial debut was slated to run at Cannes in 1968 (the year they shut the festival down in light of the Paris riots), and has never fully received its due. The tale of a wealthy, self-made celebrity writer (Finney) battling feelings of intense alienation and ennui, it sports a complex and unusual aesthetic (courtesy of Eastern Promises cinematographer Peter Suschitzky) that visually “flattens” the reality Charlie perceives – a distortion meant to convey, in the words of Pauline Kael, “the world with some vital dimension omitted.” The film’s strengths lie in its five-star performances by Finney and co-star Liza Minnelli, making her screen bow, and in screenwriter Shelagh Delaney’s sharp dialogue. Runs on the Encore Love Stories channel, Tuesday 3/4 at 2:30am.

5. Shock Treatment (1964) – Nathan’s Pick #2 of Month. This hugely underrated movie suffered (and continues to suffer) from being inappropriately tagged by critics who see fit to peg it as a melodrama. That’s certainly worth arguing about; many of the situations are so hilariously over-the-top and outrageous that surely it must have been intended as a black comedy. Either way, it qualifies as one of the most concurrently hilarious and suspenseful movies of its era – a B-movie that’s a guilty pleasure to end all. Stuart Whitman stars as Dale Nelson, a second-rate actor hired to feign psychosis and worm his way into a mental institution. He’s been appointed in a scheme to win the confidence of a nutty gardener (Roddy McDowall) with a nasty penchant for wielding hedge-clippers. Inside the institution, Whitman falls under the thumb of a diabolical psychiatrist played by no less than Lauren Bacall. The initial scene in which Whitman fakes insanity (on a public street, in front of cops) is a real gut-buster – odds are you’ve never seen anything quite like it. And the film is filled with memorable dialogue, from “Call the sheriff’s office! Tell ‘em we got a candidate for county psycho!,” to “Well, let me tell YOU something, Mister…” Runs on the Fox Movie Channel, Tue. 3/11 at 11:30am.

6. The October Man (1948) – In the face of a brutal murder, how does a mentally unstable man set about proving his own innocence to others – when even he isn’t sure of the truth? That’s the question posed by this feature that functions more effectively as an intense and disturbing psychological drama than as a whodunit or a taut thriller. Sir John Mills stars as Jim Ackland, a chemist whose life takes an upsetting turn when he’s involved in an accident that leaves him with a severe brain injury. In the process, a friend’s child is killed; guilt and culpability plague Ackland, and he teeters on the edge of sanity, ultimately moving into a shabby suburban hotel and tentatively resuming his lab work. In the new residence, the path of this miserable and broken man criss-crosses with that of a gorgeous fashion model who promptly turns up dead – and Ackland, tagged as a suspect by the authorities, cannot even say with 100% certainty that he wasn’t responsible. The picture is notable for its willingness to subvert the conventions of the thriller genre and to probe deeply into the recesses of a distraught mind crippled by fear. Rich with period atmosphere, thoughtful performances and mature themes, it marks an outing unique for its era. The director, Roy Ward Baker, previously worked as an assistant to Hitchcock, and it shows. Runs on Turner Classic Movies, Thursday 3/27 at 4:45am.

7. Swimmers (2005) – Tyro Doug Sadler’s sophomore outing ran at Sundance, then appeared and disappeared from view after receiving an undeservedly mediocre write-up from Variety. Understated, melancholic and wistful, this slice-of-lifer deserves a second chance. It observes the coming of age of a 12-year-old girl (Sarah Paulson) from a working-class family of crabbers on the shores of Chesapeake Bay. The narrative developments are beside the point: few U.S. directors have captured preadolescent emotional journeys – or the day-to-day atmosphere of working-class life in the southeastern United States – with the elegance, poignancy and intelligence on display here. Comprised entirely of a cast of unknowns, the film almost certainly would have drawn hearty praise with a couple of marquee names in the ensemble – a sad reflection on the priorities of the film community. This is a small treasure just awaiting re-discovery. Screens on the Sundance Channel –Friday 3/7 at 2pm, Thursday 3/13 at 12pm, Wednesday 3/19 at 2pm and Tuesday 3/25 5am.

8. Mother/Country (2003) Persian director Tina Gharavi’s self-reflexive documentary portrait finds the filmmaker returning to her native Iran for the first occasion since the age of six, where she attempts to work through an array of deeply personal issues including the reasons for her initial exile and the emotional and psychological ramifications of a lengthy estrangement from her mother. Eminently complex – with numerous unresolved issues coming to the forefront – this marks one of the most intimate and revealing documentaries of recent years. Screens on the Sundance Channel, Tuesday 3/4 at 3:30am and Friday 3/7 at 6am.

9. Gelato: An Endless Passion (2005) – Gelato (Italian ice cream) may seem a frivolous and inconsequential subject for an hour-long documentary, so it feels surprising and delightful that director Susan Gray manages to work in so many fun, colorful and entertaining variations on her central topic - from her riffs on the taboo of ice-cream licking in the 19th century to the mysterious and indefinite ethnic origins of ice cream. (Editor’s note: this would make a great double bill with Les Blank’s Yum, Yum, Yum!). Screens on the Sundance Channel, Wednesday 3/5 at 10am.

10. Blind Alley (1939) – In a thrilling melodrama that earns frequent comparisons to Wyler’s The Desperate Hours and to Lewis Allen’s Suddenly, Chester Morris stars as Hal Wilson, an escaped psychopath who seeks refuge and holes up in the home of psychoanalyst Dr. Shelby (Ralph Bellamy), taking the poor man’s entire family hostage. In an attempt to defuse this “human time bomb,” Shelby talks Wilson into undergoing hypnosis, then probes the criminal’s past to search for the origins of his psychotic behavior. Anticipating Hitchcock’s collaborations with Dali in Spellbound, the film works in a number of surrealistic, visually striking dream sequences to give Wilson’s anguished mental state palpability. Airs on Turner Classic Movies, Tuesday 3/25 at 11pm.

* Beginning 03/08 this will become a monthly feature in lieu of a weekly one.

Best Picture
Juno
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Zodiac

Best Foreign Film
Persepolis

Best Actor
Michael Cera – Juno
Daniel Day-Lewis – There Will Be Blood
Viggo Mortensen – Eastern Promises
Gordon Pinsent – Away From Her

Best Actress
Marion Coutillard – La Vie En Rose
Ellen Page – Juno
Keri Russell – Waitress

Best Supporting Actor
Javier Bardem – No Country for Old Men
Paul Dano – There Will Be Blood
Robert Downey Jr. – Zodiac
Paul Rudd – Knocked Up
Mark Ruffalo – Zodiac
J.K. Simmons – Juno

Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Garner – Juno
Jennifer Jason Leigh – Margot at the Wedding
Kelly MacDonald – No Country for Old Men
Tilda Swinton – Michael Clayton

Best Ensemble Acting
Grindhouse
Juno
Knocked Up
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
Zodiac

Best Director
David Cronenberg – Eastern Promises
Judd Apatow – Knocked Up
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen – No Country for Old Men
Brad Bird – Ratatouille
Paul Thomas Anderson – There Will Be Blood
David Fincher – Zodiac

Best Original Screenplay
Steve Knight - Eastern Promises
Diablo Cody - Juno
Judd Apatow - Knocked Up
Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton
Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogan - Superbad

Best Adapted Screenplay
Joel Coen and Ethan Coen - No Country for Old Men
Vincent Paronnaud and Marjane Satrapi - Persepolis
Paul Thomas Anderson - There Will Be Blood
James Vanderbilt - Zodiac

Best Looking Film
Grindhouse
Ratatouille
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
There Will Be Blood
300

Best Animated Film
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theater
Beowulf
Persepolis
Ratatouille
The Simpsons Movie

Most Overlooked Film
Grindhouse
The Hunting Party
Zodiac

Most Overrated
Knocked Up
300

Biggest Disappointment
Live Free or Die Hard
Shoot ‘Em Up

Best First Film
Ben Affleck - Gone Baby Gone
Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton
Sarah Polley - Away From Her

Breakout Performance
Christopher Mintz-Plasse – Superbad
Ellen Page – Juno

Best Sequel or Remake
The Bourne Ultimatum
Ocean’s Thirteen
Spider Man III
3:10 to Yuma
28 Weeks Later

Best Use of Music
Grindhouse
Music and Lyrics
Once
There Will Be Blood
Walk Hard
Zodiac

Best Popcorn Film
Grindhouse
Hot Fuzz
Superbad

Best Documentary
The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters
Lake of Fire
My Kid Could Paint That
Sicko
You’re Gonna Miss Me
Zoo

Best Family Film
Ratatouille

Favorite Title
The Astronaut Farmer
Sicko
There Will Be Blood