If you ever wanted to see a movie starring Ice-T as a talking mule who does a terrible Mr. T impression, farts, and wears bling, then sit back and get ready to be happy.

Call me crazy, but what in the holy hell is up with Don Johnson?! Over the past year, he’s turned up in not one but three major foreign language outings: the Norwegian gag-fest Long Flat Balls 2, Italian actor-turned-helmer Jerry Cala’s farce Torno a Vivere Da Solo, and (my personal favorite) the Italian thriller Bastardi. And yes, as the trailers below indicate, it’s the same Don Johnson. Hmm, let’s see… cavorting with a troop of goofy Scandinavian actors on a naval set, then appearing sans explanation with a hideous dimestore mustache in an Italian domestic laugher and an even more bizarre hat and suit in a Mediterranean thriller? Let’s put it this way: post-Nash Bridges life may or may not be exciting for the ex-Mr. Melanie Griffith, but it sure looks weird from where I’m sitting. Kind of reminds me of when Larry Hagman (in the days of his early Dallas stardom) decided to hearken off to Sweden and star in Vilgot Sjoman’s comedy Jag rodnar (1981) … or when Chevy Chase signed on to play Paul Parmesan in that B-grade Italian comedy Our Italian Husband (2004).

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If you pay attention to the most awesomely inane entertainment news, you’ve probably heard about how Dane Cook’s landlord is evicting him for continually letting his dog poo all over the building’s courtyard, and how he filed an appeal with the court to delay having his Pottery Barn chez thrown out onto the street, citing the cosmic effect that living in the apparent former apartment of legendary comedian John Belushi had on his creative “juices.” Well, he promptly dropped that appeal yesterday, and it turns out he also just happens to have closed on a house in West Hollywood, so I guess the whole thing was bullsh*t. He just made it up to buy time between feeding his dog castor oil and moving into his new place.

However, I feel it’s relevant to point out that although this whole suit turned out to be pure fiction, it does reveal something about Cook’s psyche — even if it isn’t his belief in coked out ghosts. He knew that these proceedings were being followed by the tabloids, and yet he still had no problem making indirect comparisons between himself and Belushi, completely unaware that the mere mentioning of both names in the same breath is enough to make people roll their eyes, or scoff at the notion, or induce vomiting just to make a point. So even though he’s not a crazed paranormal enthusiast, we still know Dane Cook is a douche. But what else is new.

File photo

Thanks to the keen-eyed folks at TwitchFilm for spotting this one.

While he may not be a familiar face to the average American moviegoer, Riki Takeuchi is still a hero to Japanese cult film enthusiasts everywhere. As an actor he’s always willing to go the distance in order to make an impression, his dedication to the craft unforgettably evidenced in such outrageous cult favorites as Fudoh: The New Generation, the Dead or Alive trilogy, and Deadly Outlaw: Rekka.

I haven’t a clue what the song is about… all I know is that the video made my day, and I want the song on my iPod so I can encourage my daughter to dance around the house maniacally to it.

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Apparently heart-throb Penn Badgley — who pays the rent playing nice guy Dan Humphrey on the cultural zeitgeist that is Gossip Girl — was forced to grow Wolverine style facial hair for his new movie Forever Strong, as a precaution against injuring cast mates on his perfectly sculpted cheekbones. His minor chin-pubes could only be described as Logan Lite, but I suspect that once he had a taste of the delicious X-Man mutton chops, he couldn’t resist going whole-sheep, which would explain why he ended up appearing in these pictures looking like the stoned soon-to-be ex political science major that works at the liquor store down the street from me, who sometimes wears a homemade yarmulke with a picture of a marijuana leaf on it and constantly gives me flyers for the University Hillel, even though I’m neither Jewish nor in college. I don’t have a picture of the kid to use for the comparison, but for reference, just picture David Krumholtz in Harold and Kumar.

Sure it’s more politics than movie-related, but in the realm of Hollywoodland that can be a very fine line so this LA Times article about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s firing of Clint Eastwood from the state parks board seems strangely relevant… that and the fact that I’d pay top dollar to see Conan the Barbarian and The Man With No Name engage in the ultimate sword-versus-six-shooter battle against the majestic backdrop of Yosemite National Park.

Check out the full story here.

Exploitation fans take note, a peek over at the vgmerchandise.com reveals that vodka pimp Vincent Gallo is apparently cleaning house, and he’s ready to kiss his vintage movie poster collection goodbye. At an average of $200 a pop these pretty pictures don’t come cheap (though they still don’t come anywhere near the price of his seed or his personal services), but a cursory glance reveals that they all seem to be in fair condition, and who knows when you might stumble across that long sought-after Invasion of the Love Drones poster again?

Actor Joaquin Phoenix is considering making pornographic films based on his own movies, and has come up with some interesting titles – interesting, at least, in the way that looking up choice body parts in the dictionary is interesting (in my case, very).